Intention

I am determined to play catch up and to somehow get down the thoughts and memories that have been bubbling around for the last 8 months. I'm not sure what has stopped me from doing this other than general overwhelm...

I am setting some intentions:

1. more mindful mothering
2. less worrying about getting it right
3. make each day a work of art
4. blog everyday
5. get my pictures organized and up for people to see!

I could go on and on...

Having a baby in my life makes me think about what a work of art a life is or a day even... Each day with this precious being is so incredible.

I want to share what happened to us today:

It was apparent at about 9:30 that Amelie was ready for her morning nap. I nursed her to sleep, and she slept in my arms while I tried to decide what to do - put her in the hammock or put her in the wrap and go for a walk? Lately these morning naps have been monsters (as in good long ones) and since she had a hard time settling last night due to stomach issues (reflux?) or teething - not really sure - I thought she could really use a good nap.

But it was not to be. I tried laying down with her in our bed as I was quite sleepy, but that was a no go. So we all got ready to leave for a walk. I wanted to wear her in the Leo Storchenwiege (Rolls Royce brand of wrap) that I had borrowed from the Baby Carriers Downunder loaner library. I put her on my back in a Back Wrap Cross Carry and we set out. Andre and I stopped for coffee and then continued on to "beat the streets", so sure that she, being well overdue for a big long sleep, would comply at any second. No go...

We stopped into a store to buy her a winter hat (pic coming soon when weather permits) and then Andre went back home to do some work. No sense in having him waste his day with this sleep mission...

Amelie and I plotted on. I stopped to refuel myself and her and then we went to the park for a second time by which point I was starting to feel the frustration. Could it be another wall? The wall I hit at 2 weeks and five and a half months? Surely not as things had been so easy lately. We've been in such a flow. So connected and in love.

I was definitely frustrated and needed to have a bit of a whinge about it. I put her down in the grass with her toys and did whine a little bit about how I had to spend all day getting her to sleep and that she was obviously fussy, tired and beside herself. Then for some reason I decided we needed to forget about it and play. So we had a big play together doing some of our familiar games which helped me forget about my sleep agenda and just let go. And when that wound down, I nursed her and... She was finally ready to sleep! Put her in a Front Cross Carry and had to fiddle with it quite a bit as I'm still not used to a Leo. And it is shorter than our Bali Baby Breeze wrap.

In spite of all this fiddling she slept so peacefully. It then hit me what a gorgeous (albeit crisp) day it was. Blue sky, beautiful gum trees, sun shining. And this gorgeous baby sleeping right under my chin. This gorgeous, happy, bright loving and adored baby. And I cried tears of joy. The biggest blessing of my life - Amelie. And my one big accomplishment for the day - getting her to sleep!

So off we marched again... On the way to the yoga studio she woke up. Wish she could have slept longer but it was really the perfect timing. There I worked on some dance stuff and she worked on crawling. Trying so so hard to move forward and getting really close, but not quite there. I want to help her and encourage her but not push her to have to get it right. She'll get it when she really wants a toy bad enough to work it all out. In a moment of spontaneous motor evolution, she will coordinate her body into a succession of forward movements. All in good time.

What a long day full of so much walking. We were both tired and hungry when we got home. She at many spoonfuls of mashed garbanzo beans (does this mean we're cheating the baby lead weaning?) and some chunks of steamed yellow squash and apples. I am wondering if she's eating too much... She was a bit of a trick to get to sleep and it took three takes but she's now snug in her hammock awaiting a feed. Will it be at 2am or will she make it to 6am? We'll see...

Amelie at four months

Life with a four month old is smooth sailing - for the most part. She is asleep right now. Actually went down with very little drama. She is in love with the breast and usually has some trouble giving it up for her 7:30 ahem 8:30 bedtime (if there is even a little bit of light coming in then forget getting her to sleep). She doesn't quite understand why the breast won't stay with her all night. So, sometimes when she won't let it go, Daddy has to take over the nighttime settling with his special blend of rocking and shushing and patience that always does the trick. Not tonight. She actually went off easily. The whole day was like that - three beautiful naps. I try not to take it for granted. Tomorrow may not be like that. And even all the effort it takes to get her to sleep - the nursing, the holding, laying down with her during the day - it won't last forever. When she's two I'll be wishing I could lie down with her, nurse her, feel those peaceful hormones wash over me with the tingling of a let down as we breathe together tummy to tummy.

I've been reflecting on those first six weeks and the shock of it all. Nothing could have prepared me. If only I had known then what I know now. That it would be so much easier. That I would be so in love and connected to her. That in the end, motherhood is about surrender - giving in to this little person's needs and doing it with an abundance of generosity. And there are other things that I'll never know. Did she have colic? Was she in pain? Did it hurt to know that I couldn't soothe it away? It hurt me... And I wish that I had known that it would be okay to just hold her as she cried. That "attachment parenting" didn't mean having to fix it. Sometimes you just can't "fix it" or even if you do, they will cry anyway. Meeting needs isn't about stopping crying. It is about simply responding in the best way that you can. Being a good enough mother. I wish somebody had told me (even though I never would have believed) how much holding and nursing this little one would need. Feeds four hours apart? Ha. Like I ever believed that anyway...

And I still can't take these easy pre-teething, pre-crawling weeks for granted. Andre is home now so I have so much support. Piece of cake really. I will enjoy it while it lasts. I'm sure he will too. And Amelie - I know that she loves being with both of us as much as she can.